I USED TO LOVE MOVIES

When in the presence of a television screen, I divert my eyes.

On the couch, I lie disjointed. Legs pressed into the walls, toes reaching above to the ceiling. Avoiding. 

Remembering. 

Long ago, my teen girl self adored films. TV shows. New-age animated internet clips. I obsessed over actors' filmographies, pinned familiar voices to cartoons, or listened keenly for an identifiable chord progression to single out a composer—I only knew a few, but those few felt like them all. I used to love movies. 

Then I stopped. 

When I came to consciousness. 

When my emotions and intelligence matured at a crossroads. 

When I came to fully understand what I saw on the screen. 

I stopped when the girls and women were raped.

I stopped when the girls were beaten by their teen boyfriends. Or their fathers. 

When the women were abandoned by their husbands. 

Impregnated by absent men who fled. 

I stopped when the films were full of men, nourished by one woman to satisfy their eyes. 

She was raped. 

When the film was lauded for its progress. 

But the woman was half the patriarch's age. 

When the girls were murdered. 

I stopped when I knew what I was seeing on the screen. 

When I’d lived it, firsthand. 

How it embodied real life. 

For me, and for every woman I’d known and loved. 

For every girl I’d never know and never love. 

Sometime last year, I told a group of film lovers that I didn’t care much for movies as of late. That the sparkle dwindled. The magic, lost. 

They turned up their noses. 

Surely, they knew better than me. Though we shared our lunches on a world-famous film production backlot. 

Since then, on a quest to upset the status quo, I’ve been forced to watch movies again. 

Desperately seeking a lens to reframe the tropes of old. To bring life and purpose to the abandoned. 

When I press the play button once again, 

The women are murdered. 

The girls are raped. 

And the men vanish.

Every time, I weep. 

No longer can we ignore. 

I will keep seeking out women. 

I will keep watching the girls and the women. 

I will keep watching movies.

We must keep watching them. 

And the screens will soon change. 

AUTHOR: Merissa Underwood
ARTIST: Isabelle Wang